I woke up with my face in a pile of pancakes and 3000 mistakes.
I love family holidays its the only time when playing beer pong, and smoking hookah with my family isnt looked down upon
My dealer's mom died on christmas eve. Is it too soon to see if he's holding?
It's alright she couldn't hear you. Her legs were over her ears
I'd say it's a shame and a disservice to the world that we can't stay drunken shitshows to infinity
Dude you were sitting on a bench on the street with her for 45 minutes thinking you were on the bus
I'd just like to say before I start drinking tonight that not only do I not find you attractive; I don't want to hook up with you, suck your dick, be your "suga mama" or have your babies. Please disregard any texts, phone calls or voicemails that say otherwise..
What wine did you feed Jack? Might not want to waste the good stuff on kitties. Kitties only get box wine.
Looking through my moms phone and find a pic if a dick. Scarred for life.
Your biggest crisis right now is that you can't decide whether to keep hooking up with AN NFL PLAYER or try to rekindle your relationship with your ex. You are a walking white girl problem.
What has my life come to that I have to spank someone in morse code?
Thanks to a bad fart decision during a production meeting, I am now on my way to Target to buy new pants. How is your day?
I didn't know how to commemorate his death, so I snorted a fat line off of his obituary. Rest in peace.
people need to understand when I say I don't want to drink anymore that doesn't mean tempt me with another bottle of Jose Cuervo.
He’s like Batman if Batman went down on me and gave me multiple toe curling orgasms. He left without saying a word before I pulled the pillow off my face
Find out if he’s shared his techniques with a friend and set me up with him. You know I’ve always had a thing for Robin!!!!
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