i should write a book entitled 'the joys of being sexually objectified'
There are huge fuckin pieces of palm tree in the road. what a road hazard. as i sit here and text you as i swerve to miss them
I feel like college is just an experience in what names I can't name my future son.
not the best booty call
did she squirt?
only if tears count
I accidently showed a girl my balls already today. Made me think of you.
Went to an open-bar law school party and puked in front of Justice Scalia. My legal career is now complete -- I literally got judged by a U.S. Supreme Court Justice. Can't get any higher than that.
I don't deserve a penis
He's gotta be able to drive a truck, make me mac n cheese and give me the best orgasms. That's my perfect man
Judge me all you want, but while you are stuck at home eating Ramen and tap water, I will be dining with some guy who, although might be the same age as my father, is filthy rich.
I walked into my house with my pants inside out, no shoes and a limp. My mom asked me if I had fun but I passed out before I could reply...
I just started talking about how noodles were so good
I either forgot underwear this morning or lost them at work and I seriously don't know which.
I shaved my balls for you. Do you have any idea how hard that is?
Last night was just a whirlwind of Mario Brothers and sex.
The stripper started talking about murdering people....that lapdance turned dark.....
Randomize
