Just met a guy who has been in college for 7 years and still classified as a junior. Then watched him shotgun 10 beers. Found my new hero
Best feeling in the world? holding your pee all day for a negative preggo test
I just masterbated while imagining him getting hit by a truck. I have hit a completely unacceptable level of anger & bitterness. Help.
i realized our last day of finals is on cinco de mayo....it's god's way of saying drink ridiculous amounts of tequila and wear sombreros
Is it bad that I just used Smirnoff as mouthwash?
She made a roadhead CD. Can I marry her?
I look like a zombie and smell like a stripper. Its gonna be a good day.
What about.....a game of twister and....wait..nevermind. I've hit my cap for sexualizing things today.
Please ask me to tell you about the time I watched two of my friends chase my drunk roommate with a broken foot around downtown
Idk man, we spent like 20 mins arguing about the moral ambiguity of fucking in someone else's car
I had a dream I got back with Amanda. And then cheated on her the same day. Even my conscious is a dick
When I told her I was deaf and took my hearing aids out at night to sleep, she said it must be nice not having to hear drunken roommates having awkward sex late at night.
Should I give the penis ring toss game to good will or garbage
Just as an add on, don't expect me to wear matching bra and underwear. If I do, I'm probably drunk and it's your fucking birthday. Have a great night.
woke up to two girls crawling on top of me forcefeeding me bacon. Best. Hangover. Ever.
Randomize
