that's when I learned why R Kelly peed on that bitch
Its 6am. Um if my mom for some reasons asks, you stopped by my house around ten and had some wine with me. She is concerned I drank a whole bottle by myself. Woke me at 6am to interrogate..Thank god my pounding head thinks fast.
PS We had chips too. She is less concerned about the whereabouts of the chips but still a good lie always needs detail.
We have to go find her fucking car. She came home from a 80 dollar cab ride, no shoes, and all she remembers is its at a burger king on a street with an H in it
We did naked snow angels in 14 degree weather, you can't tell me you had more liquor at that party
I feel like somehow my uterus ended up in my ribcage from all the keg stands i did last night..
look up what dreaming that you're in a lesbian relationship with a manatee means.
We just found a knife wedged in between the cushions on the couch you guys fucked on...why is this?
Also I walked home in over mitts \nLet's take a minute to really laugh about that
I resisted the temptation to hold the cake in one hand to alternate bites with the ruffles I was eating. I decided that might make me look dysfunctional.
Some girl at my gym just tried to casually drop the fact she can kegel 3 lbs...
It sucks laughing and vomiting at the same time, trust me. I kind of remember
Agree to hang out with him and then take a gigantic shit right on him. Or if youve forgiven him for being a fucker maybe make out with him.
He called his dick the "gentle giant"
Went as "Party on, Wayne." And left as, "Partied out Wayne in a foot boot with new medical bills." Fuck Halloween...and vodka.
You know your late night booty call was a huge fail when you go back to your car after it's over, and it's still warm.
Randomize
