I just had to sit down with an 11 year old who threatened to dick slap a girl.
Whatever it was. it was pregnant.
You know im sick of people that are still obsessed w obama. that was sooooo last year
After I tried for five minutes to hang my beer from the coat hanger in the bathroom , I have realized I am drunk
Just gave my little brother the collection of clothes that boys have left in my room since I've been in college for his birthday.
If my nicknames are based on what I throw up, you can call me Jimmy Johns
Your one and only job is to make sure I am on that bus tomorrow morning with no cat makeup on my face
there's a guy looking for his pants in my room, is he yours?
I'm just gonna pretend you didn't ask me that. I'll sweep that shattered moment of our friendship under the shame rug.
I wasn't a groupie because I didn't carry his guitar home
She was dressed as a banana and told me that I needed more potassium in my diet. Of course I went down on her.
Rome wasn't built in a day - my bedroom skills weren't obtained in some boring monogamous relationship. Same thing. Right?
I fell out of my bed whilst trying not to move this morning. I AM ADULT
I had ice cream for breakfast two days in a row.
SUPER ADULTS
Just went to jump into bed... Completely missed the bed.
The progression was banging a stripper banging an unemployed stripper banging a sexual entrepreneur quarantining with benefits totally fucking whipped. Get it right dude
Randomize
