he showed up at my house with a hand-stiched sweater that said "girlfriend?"
no, i'm not a lesbian.. i just really want to fuck you while drinking, thats normal in a friendship.
We almost forgot to tip the maids, so we left the rest of the gin, some tonic water and a lime. They earned it
i knew it was time to leave the bar when i caught myself doing karate dance moves with a married man.
Thanks for the hickies, asshole. I make my living as a fitness instructor. It's gonna look reeeeeeal weird if I have to wear a scarf while teaching Zumba all week.
We were escorted through the guys dorm by 5 kids with nerf guns and zelda shields. I felt like the president with a fucked up secret service squad.
Well I can't be held accountable to know every which time you slid a finger here or slid a finger there. I'm way too busy getting close to climaxing to document these things.
First date was awkward. I think I just saw someone die.
Well shove his head down there and tell him not to stop til we have a new president!
tuscaloosa is terrifying
like people here are just empty shells of drugs and sin
there is no mercy here
Can you come unlock the door? I just peed myself on the porch.
I found a Trump-humping republican virgin born on the goddamn Fourth of July. I NEED to hate-fuck him.
i like that he makes me laugh. those are like my two favorite things. laughing and fucking.
OMFG I JUST SEARCHED DILDO ON THE WORK SHARED AMAZON ACCOUNT!!!!!
is it sad that the highlight of my saturday night was waiting till 3 in the morning to hear about your saturday night?
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