i just woke up in the hallway. not my hallway. i officially raise my hand to be DD next week.
I spent all night sexting your girlfriend for you because you were too drunk. You're welcome.
If we get out of this alive, I'm never going to a Denny's at 3 am again.
Biggest penis I've ever pity fucked
I FEEL like I celebrated someone's 21st, but really I just celebrated Tuesday.
I've come to the conclusion that Jesus and 2013 are haters.
Buy Actually if the police need to find my body I'm on an air mattress in an apartment near a McDonald's that's all I see out dat Window
I guess I'm open to more types of dick now
She throws back shots like they are NO-THING. I swear, she goes through like five straight tequila shots, does a jello shot, chases with half a hot dog, has a rum and coke, and then takes her shirt off and makes an impromptu bandage out of it for fuckin' Tim who cut himself on the flagpole. I'm going to marry her.
So pro tip. do not order drugs from india and then assume you know your tolerance level.
How did they ever let a trainwreck like myself run a bar?!
I feel I should send an apology letter to my anesthesiologist.
Two old ladies openly mocked me this morning at drunk breakfast. Is it time to reevaluate my life choices?
its official, you're fucking me on my lunch break. the only thing I want in my mouth is your dick. pick me up at noon.
want fries with that?
All I remember was my mom walking through the door, and then me asking her if she wanted a hit.
Randomize
