On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
So I just almost came on my own face I had to dodge it as it was flying by...that was a first
ok, just found out the kid i had random sex with in April was on wheel of fortune so i can really no longer say i regret that night
the pic of her and her boyfriend fell off the wall as we were fucking.
He was on Keeping Up with the Kardashians it was like a deed from god to bang him
you realize that if you hadn't mouthed "we're getting laid tonight", i wouldn't have woken up with your ex this morning. just sayin
The plan is to make enough mistakes this weekend to hold me over until spring break
The twins are whispering in turkish together. I think I did something bad last night.
guy in front of me at the pharmacy just asked the pharmacist for 2 Plan B's and replied with, "If your wondering, then yes I did have a threesome. It was amazing".
My liver is crying. And I feel like I got fingered by Edward Scissorhands. While he was wearing brass knuckles
DICK PUNCH EXTRAVAGANZAAAAAA!!!!!
He's doing his thing where I don't know if he's alive until three in the afternoon so idk
He offered me a trade. He'll come sober to my parents 25th anniversary dinner if I let him tie me up for an hour.
Update. bondage is a lot harder than it looks.
Drinking from the bottle. In bed. Making dinosaur noises. Oh man.
It was crazy man, at one point after already going 3 rounds I tried to breakaway for a smoke...she yanked me by the nipple hair back on top of her.
Randomize