Thank God for loud music. There is a circus in my butt right now.
Is it really that bad? I heard it was like pooping. I like pooping.
He lasted like 30 seconds. With a condom. I just expected more from the president of a frat.
It's like there's a party and my mouth and everyone's throwing up
come in to starbucks and ill make you a 4loko latte before theyre banned
i feel as uncomfortable as your camel toe looks.
did anyone else see me puking into my coat sleeve?
you kept thanking chef boyardee for having pull tab cans
DID YOU REALLY JUST GIVE ME A FIRST BASE SIGN
My night just got really weird. In a sit down stall bathroom at this nice resturaunt and this guy walks in as I rip a humongous porcelain-splitting fart. Well, I hear him stop for a second. He then opens the door to the stall next to mine, sits down and says, "player two has entered the game."
Did you win?
After getting rejected by him, I got a strangely pleasant dick pic from an unknown number with the caption: "I hope this gets you through the night ;)" It's like the Cock-Gods were shining down upon me.
I totally just pulled my thong out of my purse at the grocery store. Oops.
So how do you explain to your boss that Siri called him mid sex?
We ran out of toilet paper so Ive been using coffee filters
That’s the third time this month he’s hooked up with a girl by telling her it’s his bachelor party, and he’s not even dating a chick let alone engaged.
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