I just heard a woman call her child a butt face. Repeatedly. He's crying now. I love walmart.
she's in the bathroom. spitting in the trashcan. not throwing up. just spitting and singing bad romance by lady gaga.
thatta girl
I should start riding the bus again so I can drink all day
you want your laptop back?
are you giving me my laptop back, or cashing in on our break up sex?
both.
come over.
Mom just posted ur drunk pix from Cancun in the newly made "My not-so-fantastic son" album. Thought you should know.
To celebrate your birthday last night, I got drunk and sang drift away in buffalo wild wings. Happy birthday. The entire bar sang the chorus with me. It was magical.
A valiant attempt to obtain a backhoe was made
Shower sex is an art that should not be attemted drunk
In other news, I'm pretty sure my mom was encouraging me to have a threesome yesterday... I don't even want to start digging in that garden of horror and trauma.
Judging by his bulge. This guy is going home with me. Who doesn't want a dick that looks like it used to be a pillar in Rome.
Ugh why can't people just be grateful for my penis
Will you be super villain lesbian lovers with me for halloween?
Because I'm currently dying, lacking waffles, and vaguely convinced I'm an eagle
Thanks to you I can't show my boobs tomorrow for the interview.
You came in wearing a whipped cream bikini what did you think would happen
I know you would. And one day, we'll have a moment where i'll verbally assault a stranger for you.
Randomize
