For the whole 7 seconds I lasted, I was in heaven.
Margaritas ran out of lime juice. Substituted Jaeger. Jaegerita not good.
I may have been hammered and in a wheelchair but I definitely remember asking the hospital reseptionist to marry me
We are NOT roofying him just to get him to pass out so we can build a masive snow cock in his yard.
Either I need to stop bringing you back to my apt or I need to stop buying ikea furniture
we didnt even make it to the club...the two of us were sharing a plastc bag in the taxi puking into it.
Been in the ER for 3 hours now. This hospitals transition to paperless is not going well. But my doctor looks like Elton John and just gave me percocet
we need to find an occasion to wear tutus
My friend had to carry her up the steps on his shoulder, and then she got up, found an ironing board and set it up in my friend's room just in case he needed to iron things.
Her parents are celebrating she found someone so well endowed.
Will there be champagne when they see the pay check?
At least I know that however bad my life gets and how low I can feel I'll never feel shitting in a red robin parking lot low
You are in my phone as "Thigh Gap" and you apparently work for "DO NOT DRUNK TEXT, INC." That is why I called you six times last night. So unless you take a second job at "NO DRUNK DIALING LLC" expect more. PS I am sober so this is legit.
That's brilliant but could get us arrested. Give me shots until I shout LET'S DO THIS
If I'm not there when the plane leaves, I didn't make it through security. See you at home! Vegas bitches!!!
I got some blow and a hand job from one of the strippers. So I guess I'm getting over the divorce.
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