Sex on a kitchen table is not as amazing as they make is seem in the movies.
It's a Westpoint/Army thing, we talk about Miley Cyrus a lot
Why?
Because when is jailbait ever not funny? Answer: Never
Ok I can't be your drugdealer AND booty call AND friend. It just doesn't work that way
For those pictures, I will suffer this headache.
His rebound girl is half his size, looks like a leprechaun, is majoring in theater studies and has arms like Rosie O'donnell. Do I win?
Oh FYI, people asked how/why I met you and I didn't want to say "drunk at a party on an air mattress" so I made a story up. It was a very cute and charming story with no alcohol.
I like how my motivation to lose weight is so I can wear a nude bikini and get covered in body paint for the tribal party. Priorities.
Yes she was blowing me but I couldnt see her face. The only light was from the sparklers she asked me to hold. I love 4th of July.
Only I could go on a date with one guy, have a beer with a different guy and go home with the guy im trying to avoid. I have a talent or a problem.
I don't want to be Eskimo brothers with your dad
What could go wrong? i could have a mental breakdown with a bottle of champagne hand cuffed to a frat bro
Did you hear about the guy wearing a spiderman mask running around naked with a bottle of patron?
Yeah.
I was spiderman.
Just because you can't have him, doesn't mean you can have his brother.
What about the best friend?
You peed on a flamingo?!?
I often wonder if we’re introverted extroverts, but I don’t think so. I think we’re just easily tired scumbags
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