Jon and Kate are totally playing with my emotions.
i mean i care more about their marriage then my own parents
i feel like im doing the pre-walk of shame..like every car that drives by is like, ooooo look at that girl, in that itty bitty dress, yep shes about to get her skank on tonight...
once I found out that a naked stripper wasn't gonna pop out of the cake I kind of just lost interest in the party
I bought you a small gift as a preemptive apology for being a drunken slut tonight.
I HAVE stop dating guys for their prescriptions, you have no idea how awkward family dinner was. Thank god for his xanax.
Just in case you were wondering..... I really did just wave goodbye to you with my penis.
Well I almost walked away with an Irish guy's boarding pass and some south guy's dignity
We dared each other to drink Arbor Mist, and I waterboarded someone with tequila.
Let's just say I've never been so continually aware of my nipples before.
We got to the second bar and all he kept saying was "I'm on an alcohol safari!" Best 21st birthday ever.
No one will ever find true happiness until they have gotten stoned and taken off the bra they've been wearing all day.
You, my dear friend, are a poet of the deep mental longings of women worldwide.
I swear going to your house is like going to a strip club, no matter what happens I get glitter on me.
I SWEAR TO GOD IF SHE FUCKS WITH OUR GOLD GENE POOL
Guy just walked in with a 40 and a Honda steering wheel. Where the fuck am I?
my nurturing instincts told me to take his clothes off
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