Its like im going on a blind date, but ive already had sex with her
I hate nights where "I found my underwear" can be considered a victory.
I mean I'm forever immortalized as the one who puked in his dad's straw hat.
I just ate a bag of doritos while taking a shower. I can now officially do anything
I wish we couldve been like jesus and the desiples tongith
I'm really good at handling things like foreskin and speech impediments.
Your christmas gifts are already wrapped, how on top of my shit am I?
I'm hungover as fuck and had to break into my own house by throwing a cinder block through my back door at 4am. You're more on top of your shit than me.
I think you would be disgusted with me if you knew how many times I had imaginary sex with you today
The last thing I remember was paying off her younger brother not to judge me, then puking on his shoes.
I'm not having the "why are your fucking my daughter" talk and the "your a drug addict" talk with your mom tonight.
my new game is to try to use the phrase "explosion in your mouth". as much as possible on tinder.
I like how I just yelled in the window at Mcdonalds drive thru, got his number and then fucked. it was like I ordered a happy meal that only can be had after midnight.
This is like 50 shades on steroids but with healthy relationship models and mutual respect among all parties involved and lesbian activity.
How I know that I'm single: when I get a save the date for a wedding & I read "& guest" my first thought was does my bottle of Jack Daniels count.
Pretty sure my aunt hooked up with one of my brothers frat brothers at his graduation party
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