My mom says you aren't allowed to eat doritos at my house
I give out O-faces like they're halloween candy
My bra broke.... so I Macguyvered that shit together with floss
Her face is stuck to the frozen jager bottle. I think shes ok with it
It was like an alcohol war zone and you left a soldier behind.
Had a booty call cancel on me tonight. Said he hurt his back. So this is what single and 30-something is like. Suck.
Based on the time of Sean's "I'm on your street" phone call last night, we had sex for an hour and a half. Man, time flies when you're getting boned to an orgasmic death.
What happened with the girl wasn't a gay thing. It was just a mutual respect and want for sex. The guys just weren't there.
Call it what you want. You fucked a girl.
I literally paid cover, got kicked out. Tried to explain that I was just clumsy, but mispronounced it. Then I got pissed off, stormed out..and clotheslined myself on a velvet rope. How was your night?
Our night has progressed to doing coke off a laundry machine through a parking ticket
She moaned the name on my fake id during sex, that or she's cheating on me with someone named Victor
I just realized that with the new snapchat update / emoji sticker thing I can now use easily use emojis to cover my boobs in nudes.
I'm in Florida in a retirement community the fuck am I supposed to do but watch tv and disgrace Jesus
I'm actually really happy I can say that my first body shot was out of a gay strippers massively ripped chest
Found your bra in my backseat. And yes it took me that long to finally clean it out from last weekend
Didn't even know it was missing, if that makes you feel any better
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