Not only did a random toaster end up in my house last night, it's also full of skittles.
Just saw some airport workers running through the terminal with liquor bottles. That's my kind of emergency.
apparently "my dealer got arrested" is not an acceptable answer when mom asks "What happened? You look sad today"
Check that he is NOT ok. He just heated up SoCo and used it as syrup on his pancakes.
he made a joke about you fucking his daughter...i think youre golden
You passed out and she managed to carry you all the way back to your dorm last night. I believe your testicles now her property.
FACT: the parking lot attendant was yelling "NO SEX HERE! NO SEX" at yall.
Don't worry. I told him just because you've gargled some balls in the past doesn't mean you'll be handling his.
I really wanted that to be shared. Thank you.
how did my horoscope know i was too hungover to operate a stove.
Bro, the freshmen are smoking in the park again, do you need ammo for ur paintball gun?
On the way home she put on a necklace with her name on it and wrote my name in sharpie across my chest so that in the morning we could avoid the awkward Idk who the fuck you are conversation. Best. Girl. Ever.
I think that girl got really offended when I made out with baby Jesus.
After the first time we had sex he kept saying "I'm proud of you" over and over again
If she gets mad at me, that only means more free time for me. I like to put myself I win win situations. Despite being in a relationship, I still find ways to accomplish my goals.
It was like he was 23 all over again. Madness. I. was. so. scared.
Randomize
