cynthia nixon should never get laid more than me
He’s a liberal pot smoker and perfect for me. He invented a game where we have to smoke a joint every time you hear a Middle Eastern accent on NPR.
u know u need to get laid when watching mike wazowskis gf from monsters inc makes u horny
I thought Christmas was going to come before I did
Mother nature decided I wasn't going to be a whore today. Fuck her.
He's trying to kill me, one liver cell at a time. It's going to be a slow, but awesome death
Just bonged a beer from a vuvuzela...this place is only doing good for me
His idea of a compliment is: 'you're cuter than your friend. If you both wanted a 3way I'd do it,but I'd pay more attention to you.'
She carries a brick in her purse. I wouldn't get in a fight with her
Dude. That is just waaaay to much random to process after that tequila battle.
Did not foresee holding down food at work today to be a struggle today
Why were you not born a dude?
Because god wanted to level the playing field
She said I had a really great aura. Which I think is hippie code for "I bet you can give me a mind melting orgasm"
If you hear a loud thud and smell ozone, I may have been electrocuted.
You shouldn't play strip poker when you're having a wet fart kind of day.
Randomize
