I drank like a thousand beers last night and my poo is solid, not gross like usual. I think this means I've grown up.
i wish i could "like" people's thoughts in real life like i can on facebook
you can....by speaking....
The best revenge is premature balding
we just ha sex. he lasted two minutes. i told him to leave because i had class
isnt today saturday?
Just wandered into a surprise final. Only a surprise for me though. I wish I could say this is the first time this has happened.
didn't know how to tell his mom I was confused about how long we'd been together because we banged for a full year before making it official
we put a pacifier in your mouth because you kept drunkenly singing country music.
Just found the cutest bag of coke under my bed. I'm going to get fucked up and bleach the cat vomit out of my sheets.
It was the textbook our-balls-touched-while-engaged-in-a-threesome-with-our-bosses-wife conversation.
It amazes and alarms me I'm not shocked to read that.
I kind of want to throw a lot of things at him. Mostly blunt, heavy objects.
Do you still have "be bumpin" written on your ass in glitter pen? Who brings a glitter pen to a bar? Or pulls there ass out for that matter...
I broke a glass at the bar and ended up with blood on my forehead. I apparently kept screaming BLOOD like the little boy in that YouTube video.
So, I feel bad. I just told my husband I had sex with someone else while on a business trip. Today is his birthday. I'm kind of a dick.
Sent. All. My. Texts. Like. This. Last. Night. Thank. You. Weed. Also. Had. A. Dream. About. A. Serial. Killer. That. Killed. Everyone. Except. Me. And.
like, there were so many other better not terrible choices you could have made, so i'm honestly baffled that you managed to fuck up that bad
Randomize
