we have officially lost it.
i just told my boss to make it rain at camelot later...what is wrong with me?
All of his creepy stalker friends want you too
She got mad when I told her I'd bone her mom. She got MORE mad when her mom heard, and was flattered by it. Proud to say I attract MILFS.
Yeah things got weird. You ate an entire bag of hotdog buns, then tried to catch a tree on fire with a candle.
At 4am he sent "uree asss ize anmazin"
We're all in the kiddie pool on the porch. Fully clothed. Watching porn. With my manager.
I just saw a dude sitting IN a bush, weeping and playing a harmonica. I hope your day is going better than his.
130 PACKAGES of glow sticks! The going rate of a rave is $38.30! GET READY FOR THE GLORGY!!!!!!!!!!!!
if I was any more soft right now, my penis would be a liquid
It all went downhill when I figured out I could launch myself into people with my crutches
i know it looks like there's pee in the mayo jar in the fridge but i promise it's just apple juice that wouldn't fit in the jug after i added the booze.
I'm wine drunk & this is not good news for anybody
My husband was abducted by a group of disco dancers in the parde and danced off down the street. If you see him, tell him to Hustle on home and clean the cat box. #MardiGras
I woke up with "To whom it may concern" sharpied on my dick
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