I changed my mind about Tim Gunn. I like him now. Mostly because he said someone's dress looks like a gay t-rex. Or something.
I found your dream girl. She looked 11 but drove and on her key chain it said "if i am not wasted the day is"
Give me one situation where peeing in your garage could be a bad idea
I just noticed that when I sneeze...my nipples get hard.
Can you send me the video of that girl that got arrested last night? I'm gonna try and hit that and I need something to break the ice with.
My life has only gotten better since they built a playground behind the bar
I hear sloppy seconds go great with fried rice
She keeps asking if I've seen him... For the last time YES... IN MY BED LAST FRIDAY NIGHT AND THEN AGAIN SATURDAY MORNING
Thanks to a poorly written tweet a whole bunch of people thought I died last night.
you took a picture of the hospital bathroom and sent it to me
What should I say back?
Well, how do you want the conversation to go?
Straight into my pants.
... Okay, fine. But I don't want to be a better person tonight. I'll be a better person tomorrow.
I woke up in a front yard I didn't recognize to a grandma tapping me with her foot. What was in that punch?
so.. he paid for my flight to vegas, took me to shows, bought my drinks and STILL rescued my drunk ass after i ditched him. i HAD to cuddle with him this morning.. fair exchange, right?!
You know you're more responsible when you turn down your bed and make a clear path to it before you go out..
Randomize
