Killed two birds with one stone: found my wallet and unclogged the toilet.
Currently microwaving whipped cream to make white Russians and hotboxing the kitchen while this random kid is dancing in the corner.
I just found what appears to be a tooth in my purse...anybody missing one?
she tied the funnel to the fucking ceiling...
Just saw a guy I fucked in a clown suit in the bar. It's not Halloween. I have got to start making better life decisions.
I love birth control. How's that for a Facebook status on valentines day.
You knew you'd end up at his house the minute you emptied the bowl of condoms into your purse.
Question. There's no better feeling than clean shaven balls. Do girls get that too?
Doing a small happy dance cause my cocaine successfully went through airport security
And then before we had sex he was quoting space jam to me
Your penis caused this!
Standing naked in my kitchen making nachos. I love my youth.
I may have been bent over an elementary school lunch table a few weeks ago. Don't judge.
Cockblock successful. That's for pouring nacho cheese on my flatscreen, asshole.
Just realized I've spent more nights sleeping on bathroom floors the last two weeks than in my own bed. It's time to reevaluate my life.
Randomize
