If God's watching us, we might as well be entertaining
Had to make a piece of abstract art. Your dick is in it
My rats are drinking wine. I am drinking with rats. God i am so alone.
She was shaking her boobs and I was so high all I could think was "breast maracas"
"guaranteed dick" "anywhere - her room, my room, trees, couch"
Sorry that was quotes about you from the grad student.
He told me my butthole was like "Narnia" and that it's a wonderful place he would like to visit.
Note to self: don't tell your girlfriends dad you can have his daughter in bed by ten and home by midnight. He doesnt find it funny
Come my child we shall walk thru the pasture of amazing sex and corndogs. Hint:some corndogs are not corndogs.
I'm like a number 27.2 on a scale of 1-10 of how badly I want you right now.
Your lack of a response brings it down to a 25.4.
its the first football sunday and my boyfriend isn't excited. this isn't gonna last unless he makes me snacks and brings me beer during the game.
I am going to tweet NASA until they put me into space
Those rocketship riding assholes need the common man
Totally on the hot mess express last night. Mom said I was passed out on her kitchen floor. Told her I was drinking genuine tea.
I'm going to invent an ap that tests your stress levels before texting and will say something like "nope, go rub one out and try again in 10 min"
i think the people from taco bell are onto us. they had my order ready today at 3am BEFORE I even got there.
The last thing I remember is trying to chug the rest of the everclear, running through a fence, and laying down in the snow. I hurt.
Randomize
