If I don't come home tonight, I've died in a pile of gay.
just went home with some hot chick. she has posters of the jonas brothers in her room. i basically ran out of the house.
her eyes looked like someone had poured fruit punch in them. needless to say we had a good time.
I just convinced a girl to drink my spit cup cuz I said it was dark beer and would get her drunk faster. I dare you to try something better.
there's unknown territories my dick was not made to discover
I don't remember. I remember laying in the trunk of a car. For hours.
Well anything after a French guy would have been a disappointment. But I'm fairly certain he was just trying to masturbate into me.
My unemployment came through so I'd like to thank the taxpayers of Utah in advance for my level of intoxication this weekend
There's "red head", "preppy white girl" and "the two Asians I dated and now everyone thinks I like Asians"
Your dating history is like the united colors of Benetton
Nautical themed porn is also great bc someone usually wears a captains hat
You know it was a weird week when you have a mystery bruise and youre unsure if it was from crazy sex or getting bit by a duck. Life.
I think you're literally the first guy to ever pick up a chick from pinterest.
Dude I just clenched/unclenched my hindquarters while looking in the mirror I have fucking talent
Hey I’m obsessed with Charlie Heaton from stranger things...not because he got caught at the border with coke...okay that’s a lot of it
Mike's letting gay guys do body shots off him again.
My boyfriend, ladies and gentlemen.
Randomize
