I'm sorry for everything. i woke up with two citations stapled to my shirt.
Did your girl go home? Did she have fun? Can we have our friend back?
My flask crushed my baggie full of aderall in my backpack, why can't my demons just live together in peace
my 3 favorite things in life are tequila, dicks, and making sandwiches. that DOES NOT make me a bad person.
Well, he's moving. Now my only options are to accept it or fake a pregnancy; and since you are my only pregnant friend I'm going to need you to pee on this stick for me.
When did our fuck buddy relationship, turn into me babysitting his dog?
I have to deal with three things I do not like this weekend. Pooping in toilets that are not mine. Air mattresses. Not beating off in the shower.
the good news is that even if it's Alex's, I can still say it's Colin's, because the kid will come out ginger anyway!
who knew there'd be a plus side to your ginger fetish one day?
I don't know if the puke on my pants is mine or not
idk i was trying to watch Fuller House and you got up out of a dead sleep, just in your boxers, said "no more Dave Coulier" and walked out to the living room and unplugged the router
I'm just going to assume my unresponsive booty calls are just preparing for the women's march tomorrow
Sitting across the table from one of my high school teachers who hasn't seen me since I was about 16 drinking a beer wearing a leotard
well tomorrow I get to eat fungus and go to an abandoned city.
most people would fear that statement, but i wish to join you
Today I saw someone riding a horse on the sidewalk by aldi when I went to walmart. Old town road was playing on the radio. It was perfect.
You know how fear has a smell? Well turns out shame has a smell too. It's Pina colada flavored anal grease.
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