I met a girl last nite that charged by the inch. i didnt have enough money but i figured shed be a good deal for u
I accidentally told him I've been cheating on him with his brother last night.
How did that happen by accident?
I was drunk and vomited all over him and thought, "maybe he will just stay with me out of pity if I tell him with stomach acid and alcohol all over his crotch." I was wrong.
You realize it's finals week?
Ya that's the school's fault. St. Patrick's day came first.
Woke up with two cats staring at me. One covered in puke thats giving me a look that says it might be my fault. Where am I? Come get me.
I succsesfully kept my nipples in my dress all night. Even when I got in a fight. I was made for the bar.
I want what they have, but in the meantime I have a whole bottle of rum to which I'm quite devoted
How do you explain to a guy that he's like a little puppy dog that you play with, but then leave at the shelter to go home to your German Shepard?
After that song played in the club all he kept drunkenly saying was "Birdman goes brrrrrr"
Not yoga, whiskey. Totally mis-typed whiskey.
I just set my acrylic nail on fire while trying to light my blunt
My general physician told me i have the emotional capacity of a 2 year old, While he refilled my xanax prescription. That's service!
I would rather suck a dick or two than go there
He kept saying "Ayyyyyyy" during foreplay... during sex.... during everything! It felt like I was having sex with friggin Fonzie from Happy Days!
Having sex with him is like yoga. I do it in the morning and then can't walk for three days afterwards.
Ik youre sleeping but fyi its 5:32am I'm sitting in the middle of the road bra less and shoeless with boxers in my hand and no ride. Shits real crazy.
Randomize
