Her gag reflex was as absent as a father figure must have been in her childhood
i cant even explain all the reasons why i dont want to fuck you right now.
Omg. It looks like a crack pipe exploded in your mouth.
i couldnt tell she was wearing a bumpit until she started giving me head
No mine's bigger. It just looks smaller because I'm drunk
Stop selling my mother weed! She's annoying as hell when she's stoned.
Siri just called me GayBoy in front of my family. I will destroy you.
That was the night, like, my hair caught on fire...
I'm drunk, I'm covered in pizza, and I'm watching Jurassic Park. I feel like you'll get this. xx
I was going through my settings and the phone randomly started playing "Crazy Little Thing Called Love" by Dwight Yoakum. Out loud. At full volume. I was shitting. There were 3 other people in the bathroom. I love iOS 7.
I just tried to get a motorcycle cop to give me a ride....he told me not to ask strangers for rides
Literally the fucking master of salvaging the possibility of a blow job whilst also crushing somebody's dreams.
i made out with his shirt. MDMA, man.
Why r u in my phone under "the last survivor"?
I will give him this, every time we go to the club he gets a stripper's actual number.
Randomize
