part of me always dies a little when i go to the "2 women seeking 1 man" section in craigslist's casual encounters to find nothing there. it's tragic
It's so hard to take my boss as an authorative figure with her New Moon movie tickets taped to her wall
Motor boating, judging by the amount of lipstick I found I would say between 6 to 8 times
Theres dried jager, barbecue sauce and frie remnants all over my front seat.
You demanded I give you a glass of water, so I set it down in front of you and you knock it over and roll in it..,
I wanted to be a dolphin.
Everyone is slow dancing to Aerosmith. I am serenading a slice of pizza.
My mom just invited me to come with them on their honeymoon to Mexico this summer. And I got a Bump-It in my stocking.
Pass the awkward sauce please.
I'm drowning in it here
Halfway through he got an idea for a short story so he wrote it in magic marker on my boobs. Yeah, he's a keeper.
He asked me what I wanted the cake to say and I then asked him if "I'm sorry for throwing up in your bed last night" was too long. He said it was...
Omg no. We ate a raw pumpkin last nighr. We dipped it in BBQ sauce.
Hey you remember last Super Bowl when I sent you a pic of my testicles? Memories...
Any story that involves the words "bloody hand job" and/or "sliced penis" is bound to be a good one, right?
I need a drink and a shade of lipstick that will put the fear of God in a man's heart.
So I have to masturbate in a hospital. I wonder what kind of porn they have.
just called AAA to get my keys out of me car and then afterwards realized they were in my pocket...stoner life
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