you'll never believe how fucking awesome rain man is when you're stoned.
I'm trying real hard to keep it on the DL how drunk I am at lunch with my grandma.
threw up during christmas carols. the audience at the church seemed to immediately know i was a college student
oh hey summer self, welcome to endless thirsty thursdays and walks of shame.
She just asked me if her C-section scar turned me on.
I'm buying drugs in the library...And it's not even finals time. What has my life become?
A pack of naked men just sprinted down the street screaming in German. It's 5 AM.
I plan on being naked for at least 2/3 of the wedding.
Two people confessed their love to me last night. Drunk is a good color on me
my roommate made out with a guy wearing a squirrel costume, equipped with a blow up tail. time to start harvesting nuts for the winter
I paid your brother in tostitos to drive me home.
I'm done being subtle here. MOVE INTO MY EXTRA BEDROOM SO WE CAN FUCK WHENEVER AND NOT HAVE TO WORRY ABOUT FINDING PEOPLE TO HAVE CASUAL SEX WITH.
you live like 200 miles from me and I have two years of school left
goddamnit stop pointing out all the flaws in my plan
He pulled out a coupon for $2.50 off the crab cakes and expected us to share that as a meal. Is that the kind of person you really see me dating?
Putting a bow on your dick doesn't make it a real present
I finally selected an outfit that says "I'm not easy" but still shows off the tittays.
Randomize
