your ex dropped by. you can call me dwight howard, cuz im the king of rebounds
A 20 minute car ride back to your car with the girl u had drunk anal with is the most uncomfortable thing ever.
I feel like im in a tornado of daylight savings, tequila and death
i would hope so, cause i don't think 'i drove off the road because i was getting some head' is covered in insurance
I don't want to smoke with her when she's on adderall. She carved her pumpkin for four hours & didn't say a word.
Transgendered man at work dawning a slutty batman costume. I hate Halloween
Whatever dude, I don't feel bad about it. If my girlfriend finds out even SHE should give me a high five. That bitch was fine
JOY: That feeling when you crack open a handle for the first time, and the flow limiter comes off with the cap.
We are going to need a water proof camera with a flash....exit routes....lots of booze.....and a tutu for good measure
He said, "cum on daddy's dick!" ... I pictured my dad. That just scarred me for life.
He stared me down while singing "Let Me Love You" to me while we were having sex. I don't know whether to marry him or file a restraining order.
You don't know weird until you've had a musical wet dream about your older brother.
Just bought a dildo. Happy first time single in four years Valentine's Day to me
You were petting a 40 year old man's moustache for 15 minutes
Someone made a mask out of a crown royal bag. Can't decide if tacky or awesome.
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