I just watched the Dark knight, Maggie Gylennhaal looks like Katie Holmes after a stroke
There comes a time in every man's life where he has to shit in a catbox to prove a point.
If for any reason you were wondering if i was going to vomit at the airport today, the answer is yes.
I managed to fit my wallet, my keys, my phone, Tammy's necklace, and $38.50 all in my bra. and $1.50 is in quarters. go me.
I told myself this year would be different, I wouldn't get "pee in a fish tank drunk".. Got to the girls house... Fish tank in her room.. 2 years in a row.. had to keep the tradition going
I think I just accidentally agreed to become a surrogate for a gay couple
I gave up. I'm crying over my notes. Oh, ya know, just another drunk finals week
Apparently "I have the beer shits" isn't the excuse my boss wanted to hear. So sue me
he sent me the greatest dick pic I've ever received.
he actually took the time to cut a fingertip off of a glove then put it on his dick like a beanie. he called it hipster dick.
Dude. I don't even want cuddles. I just want an acknowledgement that I just had balls in my mouth.
I didn't pay $79 for lingerie for you to cum in 30 seconds
my nose is crying tears of wow.
My new dentist just kinda stared at me when I told him that I used to have partial dentures after breaking 2 teeth while beating the shit out of someone, until I puked them into the toilet and flushed them after getting high and making myself undercooked mac and cheese.
To be clear you just said "I'll give you a baby" as a sext?
it's like my ID runs away from me when it knows it's time for me to drink
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