I don't know where I am but the food in the fridge is awesome.
I just named my vagina "The Boneyard"
More like "Chia Pet"
Just saw some airport workers running through the terminal with liquor bottles. That's my kind of emergency.
I dont want to tell you. Lets just say that a lot of things are reminding me of your dick right now
How do I tell a friend I drunkenly broke into his house and may have lost his dog
I pulled an all nighter. So hoped up on coffee and aderall. Pretty sure you could take my pulse through a snow jacket...
Its not like i paid for sex. She was stuck there, we simply exchanged rides.
You can't tell me you've honestly NEVER considered smoking a Froot Loop
Marshall is naming all the elements of my face. I love science nerds.
Today was my cousin's Kindergarten graduation. I happen to also think of it as a MILF convention.
A gay dude just spanked me with a nicholas sparks novel and called me foxy. I'm putting this on my resume.
Pretty sure when I woke up the next morning we were still fucking. It just didn't stop.
Haven't sucked a dick since mid December. In crisis mode.
There is a high pitched squealing noise coming from somewhere in my house. I hope it's a gas leak cause I'm over this week man.
I want a musical about memes.
Randomize
