New discovery: conditioner is better for jerking off than baby oil. Fuck yes.
homeboy just tried to sext with me at 8:30 in the morning while I was on a job interview...
so you did it...
obv...but still...it was inconsiderate.
The fact that he grabbed my boob in the middle of the conversation shows something needs to change
First if all, whoever designed penis shaped ice cubes is clearly daring me to shove them up my vagina
Please tell me why your entire hallway smells like microwaved condoms.
She just kept saying "bless your heart" to him while he cried because he came so fast. I think a Texas woman was just what he needed
She gave us all a pep talk at the bus stop at 1 AM. It involved cupcakes and somehow ended with her making out with her best friend. God bless college.
The ultimate Father's Day bonding experience: Both getting bailed out of jail by mom for mooning some shithead cop.
As soon as the clock wound down to zero, she declared "HALF-TIME HEAD" and pulled down my pants. After the swallow, she said "BEER CHASER," got me a new one, and asked if she could make me a sandwich. Pretty sure she's lobbying hard for a ring.
Is it bad that I have more guilt over drunk eating Doritos than hooking up with my ex's best friend last night?
I buy a new bowl every time I get a new guy. It's retail therapy.
You're his holy grail. The moment he finally gets you to orgasm he'll probably just retire and become a monk.
I'm on a party bus with a stripper pole with middle aged women who have all started drinking
God bless your soul.
Just as an add on, don't expect me to wear matching bra and underwear. If I do, I'm probably drunk and it's your fucking birthday. Have a great night.
Last night I realized I made a dick appt 2 MONTHS IN ADVANCE!!!!....... WHO THE HELL DOES THAT!?!? LMAO!
Randomize
