That's it, I refuse to live in a world where sparkly vampires beat Batman at anything.
unrelatedly i think im gonna download boogie nights just to see mark wahlberg's penis
I don't make the first move. Ever. Unless were playing monopoly cause that's my shit
I swear it's like I have a jerk off quota I have to meet each week. If I miss three days I have a wet dream and it's like a wasted jizz, and it gets everywhereeeeeee.
After all the hair products he's stolen from me, he better fucking be gay.
I still can't believe you had sex with someone who willingly went by Peaches.
We looked at pictures of a Texas banjo contest from 2006 for a half hour and then were surprised by who won. That stoned.
You rang?
Saw a ginger and the first thing I thought of doing was yelling "you have no soul!" so I called you so we can yell it together with you on speakerphone.
I guess I fell on the bar and kept trying to get back in telling the bouncer that I left my teeth at the bar. Woke up this morning with chipped tooth
I have reverted to folding laundry while watching porn. how much sadder can my life get?
He meowed while sucking on my nipple, it got even weirder when he said he was trying to moo.
I literally have anal toys soaking in the bathroom sink and dinner on the stove. If that doesn't scream "domestic goddess", I don't know what the fuck does.
Go have sex with him right now! Drunk sex is the best sex.
I know but these gold fish are so much better
I was so high I forgot how to swallow food, and I just kept thinking "thank god its just mashed potatoes, they'll go down eventually"
Wearing panties to a party gives you a whole new perspective on life.
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