Why can't I find a man that likes bush instead of a vagina that looks like it belongs to a prepubescent child!
Because men are children
Touche
May or may not have just drunkenly opened my christmas presents. Greatly disappointed. Might break up sooner.
just got my girl scout cookies. wanna get high?
Bad idea. College students cannot afford both alcohol and a cat. Unless said cat is irish, and can feed itself with fifths of whisky.
Did you really end last night's sexting with "Stay thirsty my friend"?
You were walking around with a baby carrier pretending your vodka was a baby. You tried to get pictures on santas lap
He said he was trying to live vicariously through me. I didn't have the heart to tell him that meant he was vicariously fucking his best friend.
wine lets you be on time to class apparently
This is a dangerous realization
Your heart is a swirling cauldron of blackness that does not pump blood but rather a sludgey mixture of evil and broken dreams.
Pretty sure that molly fried my sinus infection away; i regret nothing
Hey, I shot that toilet dead center, drunk, from at least 6 ft away. I'm a fuckin awesome shot. You guys were completely safe.
Yes, that toilet won't be hurting anyone anymore.... Hahaha
They flooded the bathroom and their version of cleaning it up was to throw our couch cushions on it. That's when I decided to chug tequila and go drunk bowling. So hitting the kid with my ball is really their fault.
You helped blow my nose... Ok it's safe to say we are on a new level of relationship..
He was peeing on the back wall of a building. He would have been okay if the building hadn't been a police station.
My google history for last night included "Whre is johns house" and "wher can i buy nukes?" Pretty sure they're related to one another.
Randomize
