A little girl and i are having a face making battle in mcdonalds
She started it, but I totally finished it.
Mr. Last Night just informed me I told him to be very quiet when he left this morning and high-fived him as a goodnight kiss. Drunk me is slutty and manly.
The AC broke so he ended up sleeping in the front yard and left his one night stand on the couch.
We had a weird moment. Mid-sex he started talking. It went along the lines of "I. FUCKING. LOVE.....this condom..."
I was changing in front of my window and my neighbor text me saying, "nice pubes."
Yeah, if you don't like strip clubs you won't like microwave chimichangas.
I vaguely remember hanging my bra off the ceiling fan and chugging a beer during sex
College has turned you into quite the multi tasker huh?
Dude, she doesn't even live here... She just can't eat all our food and masturbate on my dog's couch...
Stop calling dibs on everything with a vagina you jackass.
That should be the title of my autobiography.
You just get me....like our souls are boning in the spirit world
Got robbed by an ATM. My weekend officially sucks.
It's ok, I did squats with my bottle of wine before I opened it. That counts as the gym since I won't be getting there haha
I was out of weed and my vibrator broke, so I'm now at Red Lobster.
I just lived through a real life episode of jersey shore.
i just want a beer and a blow job. is that so much to ask?
and i just want a ring so i can stop faking it. is that?
Randomize
