That blackeyed peas song was on, so I thought that was prediciting tonight was going to be a good night. And then my garage door opner fell and hit me in the head.
I literally just copy and pasted that from another bbm convo bc I'm far too stoned to explain that again.
we did anal to Party In The USA and he busted to Firefies .. felt like we were fucking in a middle school dance
they got in a fight during sex...she came out yelling and covered in chocolate
I'm about to enter vancouver's biggest liquor store. I feel like I should sent you a "wish you were here" postcard.
I kept pulling the $1 bills off the stage and told everyone "no no no she has to work for this money"
He just walked up to be, grabbed my boob and said 'i think they have shrunk' i have no idea who he was.
Okay. I really need to get out of this guys bed and get home. It's two in the afternoon. He's not even HERE.
She may be a slut, but at least she's a dedicated slut. She's always super tan and has her shit shaved in really cool designs.
I'm concerned I'll look like a hooker on new years eve in this outfit
There are different standards on new years eve. To look like a hooker you literally need to be giving a guy head on the street while he's handing you cash.
Me and a 30 year old man are sitting in my bathtub in swimsuits drinking straight rum from the bottle. Don't tell me how fucked up your Christmas is.
That accounts for only three of the penises
Hi I am too sober and out of rum. Translation: I owe you some beer. Also, get better taste in beer.
listen i get youre a daddy dom but that doesnt give you a pass to make dad jokes
I'm drunk and in a paddle boat and my friend won't quit yelling about pandas. Does this ever happen to you?
the cops drove by and you were on your back in the middle of the side walk with your arms and legs in the air yelling that you were a dead bug .
Randomize