I just passed on expense account drinking, this must be the worst hangover ever.
he matches the description of mystery hookup #2, 4, and 7
We got back together. The pastures weren't greener on the other side, the dicks were just smaller
He chucked my pickle at the bouncer. Fucker, I wanted that.
We are going to be Siegfried and Roy for Halloween and you are going to be the tiger.
it's 2:30 on a sunday and I just won a wine chugging contest. I'm never graduating.
Just pretend you're riding a unicorn through space. Thats how I deal with the stirrup situation at the gyno office.
Baked and hanging out with Al from Home Improvement's son. You can't make this shit up. Tuh-rippin balls
Oh, fuck yeah. I swear I came with every bite. Not even joking. Messiest meal ever.
Wow, thanks for ruining pizza for me. I didn't think it was possible.
can you please not set my house on fire for once???
Just remember, it's never too late to make a porno
go for it girl, the world is ur dick oyster
We’re leaving where are you
Hold on Toxic just started playing
I want to strut with the confidence of a pigeon.
Who did he bring home?
Idk. But did you see her shoe choice by the stairs, I'm really not expecting anything great.
Randomize
