Is it weird I updated my facebook status from my phone while I had explosive diarrhea in my boss's private bathroom?
That would be awkward if he commented on your status
i just saw a woman using her birth control packet as a wallet.
The hookah bar is playing i'm on a boat. I believe in god again.
I come up with the best drinking games while babysitting
My arms are hairy. And so Is my left leg. Just my left leg, the right is smooth.
Well I found out I was essentially dumped and replaced by a hipster and apparently offered a girl $95 to go out with me. In the spirit of the Olympics I will not be spending any time on the medal stand.
This guy smells like mr Rogers puppets and I don't know how to deal with it
My stalker sent me an erotic poem. Who knew anyone could find a way to rhyme birth and girth so eloquently?
DAMMIT Im supposed to be running a company not discussing dick piercings!
I told my boyfriend that the thing I missed most about him was scratching his balls for him.
You know you've been having sex for 9 months when you do Rock Paper Scissors for who has to go on top
She thinks you guys are the gods of the bathroom. If she runs past you naked, give me a heads up
I'm so glad you haven't fallen off any more yachts
Afterwards I drank a whole bottle of cake vodka in the bathtub while he was bawling his eyes out. Hands down weirdest hookup I've ever had.
no dude he sent me cemetery flowers, i know it. they are half dried out roses in the shape of a cross, seriously. and he is not religious. so he robbed a freaking grave site for me. am i like an accessory to grave robbing now??
damnit this is what you get for dating guys with neck tattoos
Randomize
