Guy at red light looking at porn. I'm waiting for him to look over at me so I can shake my head and he can feel bad
I just saw on the news, this guy tried to smuggle coke in a bouquet of roses... and to think I used to hate valentines day.
At what point did you think the cops were actually coming to hang out with us
You cant hold me accountable for my actions when im high.
I felt like in order for him to make it to mordor and destroy the ring, he'd have to make sweet sweet love to me in some form of hut or cave.
I just dropped a paperclip into my cleavage while talking to the company president... That's an awkward moment.
Did you at least offer to let him get it out??
Came back with a random sweatshirt, an American flag, and a for sale sign. Mission success?
Well we had to pull over on a side street in town so I could throw up while moms were driving by with car loads of kids, I feel like I just performed a lil silent AA film for the childrens
I just sneaky put a tampon in on the bus ninja-style.
......how on earth do you do that?
NINJAAAA
So you let the Viking explore your nether regions?
Y'know i appreciate how accepting you are of me being a terrible person.
...Just this whole adulting thing gets in the way of mermaid drag shows at lesbian bars.
it's the international house of making me almost fucking shit myself
I've had pants off for 3 hours now. America.
Well you went to the bar with your crutches last night & everyone including the DJ started chanting "put your crutches in the air"
What's a sexy way to say balls deep???
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