i hate when u poo a lot and when u wipe theres no poopy residue on the TP. it makes me feel like my butt hole is hiding something from me. just had 2tell sum1.
Playing drinking games to Nancy Grace totally counts as "keeping up with current events.."
you wouldn't come out from under your bed because you said there were six-armed bears everywhere.
ohhh that explains the pepperonis I found in my sock drawer this morning...
no it doesn't.
its taking every last moral i have not to steal this bike
you still have morals?
Well actually itd just be too hard to ride the bike with this large rake i just stole
i mean i should have known that when i started taking shots with my zumba instructor i was in for a rough night...
She says she'll teach me how to make her squirt tonight so yea, I'm bailing again. I'm not sayin sorry since you don't have a better offer.
we can be functional adults and still think pizza lunchables are the shit
Doing tequila shots with my ex to celebrate that we broke up... not awkward at all.
I CRIED after phone sex. Am I gay?
Unlike bears, this weekend is not the #1 threat to America. It is, however, the #1 threat to my liver
I said "I am wrapped in the Cocoon Of Comfort! You should go." He started to argue and I yelled "COCOON OF COMFORT!!!" silencing him
There's a kid in the back of the class drinking out of a flask. Like what is going on?
NOW HE'S DRINKING OUT OF A HANDLE. WHO IS THIS KID?
What was my myspace song when I went away to rehab?
Just opened my sisters laptop to "cute places to lose my virginity" googled last
You’re welcome stay at my house. But, you gotta piss in the toilet
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