At what point did I decide it would be a good idea to fill my contact case with vodka
I have glitter on my penis. Do you know anything about this?
Does it really count as two different guys if they're brothers? I like to think of it as one and a half.
I woke up on a futon with 2 stolen budwiesers in my purse, 5 extra bucks, a sucker stuck to my shoe, one sock, and a stolen copy of the zombie survival guide
please tell me this is not legit
She put baby oil on her toes and i am not legally allowed to talk about what happened
we literally hit three floors of our apartment building searching for condoms. also got macaroni.
As long as there aren't any pictures of me humping the penguin, we are good,
Just put the gallon of milk in the microwave. Dad might know im high.
At least I tried to be smart when I brought the alarm clock into the bathroom just in case I fell asleep.
Jumped in the kebab van and said he was Ultimate MasterChef. Incurred wrath of six angry Turks. I got free chips.
I find it very uncomfortable that I need to ask you to stop sending me pictures of your stomach
Dude he's moving to fucking Germany now. What is it about your vagina that makes men want to flee the continent?
Update: his apartment is apparently in the campus Christian community center. The fact that I fucked him on the couch in the lobby is officially my crowning life achievement.
My mom just looked at me and said; "You've been pretty bitchy lately do you need some dick?" WTF has happened to me?
Just convinced the cute guy from class that I have prostate cancer. GET ME OUT OF THIS TOWN!
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