There was jim beam in your oven. I just preheated it.
We just used hot candle wax from our joint lighting candle to make a bunch of new small ones how stoned are we
My tally is now official: I have been drunk every weekend since 2008. Cheers.
what if his mom answers? its like high school, but hes 30
remember that response paper i wrote naked, at 745am still drunk with a naked dude in my bed? yeah, totally got an a- on that. and he loved my insight.
there is laundry and salad ALL OVER my car, i need context
Toilet is so comfy. Serious question/why does weed make every surface feel like bed?
They were loudly fucking last night and there was way too much conversation involved. It wasn't even dirty talk, it was more like "your doing it wrong" talk
You're worse than that girl who made out with her cousin at that party
That was you...
nope. just stoned. wishing i had a golf cart.
tried to suck my ex boyfriends dick last night at a bar... Happy homecoming from me to you
Stuck in the Minneapolis airport for 3 hours with an expense budget and a wine bar. This could get out of hand quickly.
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
Do you remember punching the light out in the bathroom? I didn't, and that was at bar 2 of 4…
I tried to fuck you in my bathroom while my parents were in the next room. I am a clusterfuck of fun.
Randomize
