life lesson #1: a fart during an awkward silence between 2 strangers doesnt make it less awkward.
um. i met him on myspace...we text now, he lives down the street
Just realized the hot girl at the office got a boob job over the Holiday.....she is now super-hot girl.
why are there beer bottles in my dishwasher?
I just test ran being their maid. I'm getting 50 bucks a month and they're buying the costume.
No, they seem attractive after SIX beers, after three they're just the gender you're looking for.
can't believe I traded a good night's sleep and a midterm for your blurry tits
I know you're asleep, but I just had a motherfucking epiphany.
I would say "man cannot subsist on sexting and brownies alone" but I think it's actually possible.
You were drink-wine-from-the-bottle drunk trying to take everybody's blood pressures again.
i’m just listening to christina aguilera’s “your body” on repeat and trying not to pass out at my desk.
He just chose domino's over sex. ARE YOU KIDDING ME?
Do you remember me asking for jerk off videos from Tinder guy?
Nah I don't remember that being part of the criteria
I legit measured his penis against my chapstick and it was too close to call. So that was my night.
Found Ryan’s keys in the fridge. On my way back.
Also, tell him he missed Nathan passing out in the dryer.
Randomize
