I'm surprised I didn't puke tonight
first time Ive ever had to stop sex to go pass out in the kitchen floor...
I got drunk and smashed his tv with the keg and so he blames me for being evicted.
oh my god i just remembered the cat blow jobs.
She kept sniffing my sweater and tried to guess what type of detergent I use.
And drunk me decided to play keep away with sober me's dignity
Do you think county jail has a Groupon?
Given he decided my interview was a date, showed up drunk and insisted on carrying me everywhere, we weren't off to a good start.
I want to see boobs tonight. Like, real ones. Your ones.
I'm romantic.
Have you ever stopped and thought "I do NOT want to be inside of this person right now. Or ever." Because you should.
I just watched my mom get dick on Skype.
That d should have definitely been an s.
She makes margaritas with lemon-lime 5 hour energy..thats brilliant
and you were wondering how she got into Harvard
I hate you so much right now. You got us kicked out of my favorite bar because your drunk ass was hogging the Bluetooth jukebox and would play NOTHING but that goddamn skeleton song. IT'S NOT EVEN OCTOBER YET.
Spopky scrzy skeletonssz
You know you're a heffer when you discover chocolate frosting on your smoking apparatus
dont know how to tell my grandparents I woke up in a frat house in the wrong town and that's why I can't see them today
Randomize
