DAMN! I hate it when i drunkenly erase all my "sent message" and wake up in the morning and my inbox is full of "WTF?" and "Huh?" messages.
so the sex was amazing up until the point where she said "wow, you're even better than your dad!"
I woke up naked by my window. blinds open. smiley face drawn on my window.
gettin pulled by a cop with a camera crew. gonna flee. want my 15 min of fame on cops.
You realize we can hear you jacking off in your room, right?
I like it rough
You're always adorable, but when you're drunk, you're like Chia Pet adorable.
I woke up to blood crusted on my face. I don't understand
team rage. no explanation necessary
Totally just locked myself outside of my house, in my robe, with the fedex man and a box of sex toys. Not my week.
What's the appropriate way to phrase "If you ever leave your wife give me a call. But we can still have sex periodically until then."??
Maybe walking up to the cops busting our party with a "Things go better with Coke" t-shirt on and asking for my extra license back that my little brother got busted with wasn't the best idea of the night.
wait no I wore my bra home that morning. I stole someone's bra last night?
He talked for 3 hours straight on how his dad is a dentist how fuck do you think my night was
but seriously, an anthropology paper shouldn't be hard if you're trashed, right?
I hope Trump leaves Planned Parenthood alone for at least another month. The week got away from me. #whorelando
If I could tell my younger self three things it would be: 1. Smoke a lot more weed 2. Have a lot more sex 3. Own a good set of pots and pans
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