It's a pity Stephen Hawking can't do sarcasm.
My dad just came home, said hi to mom and me in the kitchen, and then said "I'm gonna go inject my blood with iguana saliva".
we kept pushing you at the prospective students saying go for it, itll make them want to come here
you kept yelling THIS ONES FOR THE ADMISSIONS OFFICE and then youd go in for the kill
guy in front of me at the pharmacy just asked the pharmacist for 2 Plan B's and replied with, "If your wondering, then yes I did have a threesome. It was amazing".
He wanted to feed hamburgers to the homeless... as a first date... who the fuck is this kid
If life deals in absolutes, the in betweens are the most hairy.... Fortune cookie wisdom from a stoned Megan.
so i guess now we know you can get away with peeing mere feet from the Capitol if you shout IM PREGNANT at the guards
It's like refusing a bong hit from michael phelps... You just can't do it
I kinda got drunk and threw my debit card into a bonfire so I don't have any money at the moment lol.
We got a noise complaint for vacuuming too much but not for getting really high and yelling about peanut butter
I need a fuck buddy with more available hours
Ehh, the third backed out. Two still isn't bad. Who gets a bootycall to pick them up from a bootycall's house anyways? Only me.
Curing hangovers with more alcohol was a great idea for the first five days
There's a pregnant girl taking shots of apple juice
I ran into the marine at the grocery store. Its like my vag and his penis have this way of finding each other when I least want it.
Randomize
