wow, farting in latex pants is really awkward.
maybe after you take off her top her face will be hotter
...you put a chicken patty in my toaster last night..
So drunk can't even tell it's my own house. WOaoOw.
All I remember is you introducing yourself to the entire basketball team using the line "I'll show you a slam dunk."
I just finished deleting miscellaneous contacts from my phone ... time for a HIV test!
I can't ever date him again. Whenever I see his face I just remember helplessly pissing myself in my car.
I mean it's like...I'm sorry I slept with your boyfriend but is it my fault that he failed to mention you when I was giving him head in the Dave and Busters bathroom?
There is so much wrong with that sentence
Yeah there really shouldn't be a bar at D&B's...shit gets real
So none of you told me my tits were popping out of my shirt for three hours?
We told you. Repeatedly. You said you made it look good.
I have vodka and 50 pizza rolls best spring break ever
When the dude you brought home from the bar on Thanksgiving leaves before you wake up ... #thankful
The dick lei will go down in squad history
i sent him a nude and he responded 6 hours later
what did he say?
"oh m god,,, whow '!!!!nm"
i spent most of last night convincing myself that dan akroyd wasn't actually standing in my bathroom holding a dead chicken
I had to ask my mom to look for my kegle ball...
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