So I have exactly 420 dollars saved up in tips from the past week. I win, and I take that as a sign from god that I am allowed to use that money to buy drugs.
I'm pretty sure we've had sex a bunch more times than we've hugged. So hugs are weird when they happen.
My girlfriend was pissed, so if I had to guess, i'd say I had a GREAT time last night
Puked in my laptop case in the middle of my nutrition class.
Worst ten minutes of my life, it's was like trying to put a marshmallow in a piggy bank....
My cock is literally on the edge of falling off. Fuck Vegas.
i'm going to invent a mini fridge that can hang from faucets so i don't have to get out of the bathtub anymore for a cold beer. its a million dollar idea
MANGO MOTHERFUCKING GODDAMN MARGARITA DELICIOUSNESS
I think he's hit rock bottom. You know it's a low point in life when you cry because you weren't invited to sit in a box car and watch porn with two other straight dudes.
I wrote a pretty good eulogy, too. Motherfucker pastor had no sense of comedic timing.
My cousin was arrested on a class b felony for selling meth out of the back door of McDonald's where he worked. Apparently it was the extra special sauce.
It was a career choice to be sure... Mistakes were made.
I just wanna be euthanized
Thas it
I want sex. When is an appropriate time post funeral to ask for something like that. Like when it gets dark out?
My throat is burning
Thats because you proceeded to drink the salsa because you thought it was alcohol...dumbass
In order to get rid of my bladder infections I must give up caffeine, nicotine and tight pants. It's like my pussy is an angry dictator or something
Randomize