I just want to get to the point in our relationship where I can get on top of her and fart and we can both laugh...not just me.
It's my birthday, I plan on masturbating and boating, maybe even masturbate on the boat.
thats what you get for writing a paper after liquor pitchers
its only a rough draft.
Like if there was an award for best way to take a girls virginity, he would get a standing ovation. And first prize. Probably a bunch of roses too. That good.
I only get commercials for vodka and Rogaine now. You're exactly right, Hulu. That's exactly right.
Well I pulled a muscle in my leg dancing in the tanning booth drunk at 1 pm soooo there's that
Maybe walking up to the cops busting our party with a "Things go better with Coke" t-shirt on and asking for my extra license back that my little brother got busted with wasn't the best idea of the night.
Call me when you get up. This hang-over is like dismantling a bomb: I need someone to talk me through it.
My goal for tonight is to swipe my debit card through those weird rolls on the back of a big bald guy's head.
More cowboy butts than you can shake a stick at, oh joy.
I puked up my nose. THAT kind of night
Believe me honey Imma fuck the discount out of at least one plastic surgeon in my life
My mom has a bong in her bathroom, but no air freshener.
Wanna get drunk and play candy land? If so you are 2 steps behind.
My breath smells like dick and biscuits..
Randomize
