I'm currently googling how to make a dress out of a trash bag. It's going to be a great night.
i dont know what it is, i just found it in my pants.
i feel like barbie the morning after an elton john party
Did we have sex last night?
I think that was the general idea until I got you undressed and you puked on me.
She was really sick last night--but i was too drunk to bring her chicken noodle soup after the bar, so went by taco bell and got her a chicken burrito instead
.....woke up with a tube of cinnamon buns in my pocket, i miss you
She says she'll teach me how to make her squirt tonight so yea, I'm bailing again. I'm not sayin sorry since you don't have a better offer.
Hey remember that spam cooked in dr pepper we made? 10x better when the dr pepper is rum
guy next to me on the train just pulled out two bottles of gin and a block of cheddar. is slowly making his way through all of them.
Remember when you walked in on me sleeping INSIDE a pillowcase?
man my uterus needs to drop the egg or GTFO, BUUUSHIT
Always keep a stash of tequila in your work desk. That is like adulting 101.
When the nurses wouldn't let him smoke in the hospital he decided to just roll around on the floor.
You have GOT to stop kicking in his kitchen door. Just wait for him to open it next time.
Hey? Just a hypothetical. You ever accidentally kill somebody's cat on purpose? Like you didn't mean to but it had it coming? If you're wondering it tripped me while I was walking down the stairs and I landed on it as I fell.
Randomize