Eric said he heard us having sex the other night. He said i did a great job.
i wish that i had sketchier friends so that it would be easier to get drugs
i think i left my bra at your place
It's still hanging from my ceiling fan. Please let me keep it there.
He wants to call Lloyd's of London and have my mouth insured.
I am getting my wife a tattoo just above her butthole that says, "For entry just add tequila."
But I feel like studying my flashcards during a blowjob would be rude...
I just found a tail you can wear naked. Via a butt plug. Who ever said the internet was a good thing?
There is not greater feeling than lying to your boss and leaving work to shit in the comfort of your own home
She said our goal is to fuck in every bathroom at the reception which is at a country club. I will have the best wedding date ever! Were 4 for 4 in public.
Hung over and there is no way in the world I can make this mess look good today. Only solution is to stay drunk.
He stared me down while singing "Let Me Love You" to me while we were having sex. I don't know whether to marry him or file a restraining order.
Sitting in a waiting room with 15 children has me contemplating if I ever want to have sex again...
I was randomly pulled aside to have my bag checked. It had 50 condoms in it.
I remember reading the word "lift" so I did. The alarn went off, and I thought to myself "what dumbass pulls the fucking fire alarm?" and then I realized it was me...
My dad is clearly baked off his ass. He almost sat on moms cat in front of her, zoned out while staring at it and said he wondered what it was thinking about. Now he's dragging everything from the livingroom into the garage. Moms not happy.
Randomize
