yo i stole a wine glass from the ritz but i spilled wine on my hundo dolla shirt
dude, im still at the bar with two chics... one has a moustache ill save that one for you... be home in 20min..
First rule of pills: If you can't remember what it is, take half.
make sure you eat your skittles last so when you barf you can barf RAINBOWS.
I'm glad you enjoy my eating disorder so much.
So I cleaned the toilet last night at 2 am and woke up with pink eye. Never doing that again.
Last night: Repeatedly yelled about how the fishbowl tasted like blue, stole a stranger's hat, hugged the DJ for playing my request, made out with my roommate, and abandoned the guy I dragged to the club in the first place
This morning: Hat doesn't fit, hangover headache is blue, and I can't move without getting lightheaded
Listen when they tell you not to drink after giving blood
oh no, don't get me wrong.. she IS really pretty. If you are in to horses or Sarah Jessica Parker.
It takes a special kind of man to fart REALLY loudly right before entering a woman and still get some. This has been a state of bootytown address.
Living a little to me does not involve choreographed Michael Jackson songs
There's a cute bearded guy at this brew fest wearing a kilt and selling mead
TELL HIM ABOUT MY DOWRY!!!
if i get arrested im counting on you to get a picture of it
Hiking for a first date sounded like a good idea in theory because there was absolutely no possibility of me blacking out. In practice, I'd rather black out than go through what I just went through.
Sitting in a waiting room with 15 children has me contemplating if I ever want to have sex again...
I feel like I got run over by a steamroller made of cigarettes and booze driven by all of the men I've slept with.
I just bumped into this random I hooked up with a few years ago at Steve's party. Talk about a fingerblast from the past!
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