plans for tonight: dress up like pirates, drink a bottle of mad dog and watch the sorostitues across the street get naked. and yes, the mad dog part is already in play. hurry the fuck up. i look like a loser doing this alone.
are you so shy because you have an std?
i pretty much saved your life. you were so conviced that your nail polish remover bottle was "Vodka Lemon"
He did a double fist pump when he discovered the Magnums fit and skipped back towards the bed.
what the fuck. my fiance told me she called our wedding band last night and told them to perform "best i ever had" for our first dance
Made out with me girlfriend while she was peeing. all time high, or all time low?
I woke up hugging a loaf of bread and a water bottle this morning
My face left an imprint in the loaf...
I came over to his house for a party and realized I was quoted on the fridge... "How'd I get rug burn on my face?" And yes, my name was right next to it!
you were sleeping on the floor, then you woke up and told me you were not comfy enough. You took the carpet in the bathroom put it in the bath and you slept there.
My dick was out way too much saturday not to get laid
So, do you ever feel like EVERY SINGLE ONE OF YOUR FRIENDS IS INVOLVED IN A MASSIVE AND INTRICATE CONSPIRACY TO COCKBLOCK YOU AT ALL COSTS?
I'm drunk at 3:28
I'm jealous as shit at 3:34
Do they sell "congrats in losing your virginity!" cards and do they come in gay?
Bring me that man meat
She was talking about how a garden gnome was hitting on her the whole night. We thought she was just that high, but turned out the gnome was that guy in the weird hat.
Randomize
