I guess I made wings because there's chicken everywhere. Even on the walls. 3 of them. It's like a chicken grave yard.
I am gathering blankets and bags of horse grain to pad my truck bed so I have a comfy place to crash when I get home, without the inconvenience of stairs. Or doors. Or walking. But with the refreshing scent of molasses.
The Medal of Honor you banged could be at the inauguration today. You really dropped the ball on keeping up with that one.
Going through my bras is like traveling back in time through my past hookups and relationships....
Is the Chairman of the College Republicans throwing upon your toilet right now? 'Murica!
I woke up to a quacking alarm clock and a rando in my bed. I told him I liked his cargo shorts. Fireball is not my soulmate anymore.
too bad I'd hit a car before I'd hit a bush.
Are we talking about jumping from windows or your willingness to fuck a car instead of a woman?
We are such grown women, dealing with life's problems one shower beer and reckless makeout session at a time.
I only drink at bars with bathrooms big enough to have sex in.
I had forgotten what new underwear feels like. It's as if angels descended from heaven for the sole purpose of supporting my junk.
Do you know how fucking great a bath bomb is when you're high?
All she has to do is text me and my dick gets hard. She asked how my day was going and it got hard.
You peed in a public fountain and then felt bad so you put dish soap in it; 4 ft tall bubbles.
He came into my room last night and started peeing underneath my desk, I told him the bathroom was the next door over.
You know your life has gone off the rails when waking up in a Spanish hospital with alcohol poisoning and no memory of how you got there is not even your top wildest drinking story.
Randomize
