Your mouth is God's brothel.
You know, it's scary to think that someday I might buy a pregnancy test with pride, not at 2am...
I'm making a conscious effort to limit my spending at the bars...i wrote "FOR CAB ONLY" on a $20 last night
1. my parents still have sex. 2. being a screamer runs in the family. 3. so much so that i can tell what number of orgasms she's on. 4.so looks like i'm stuck outside a while
Only I could do what I did last night and feel perfectly ok working around children the next day
It's not that drunk me is smarter; it's that sober me is secretly playing for the other team.
We make out exclusively when we're drunk. That's like a relationship for me, right?
I had 5 long islands and 2 alien brain hemorrhages…I am entirely certain that the "power hour to finish the night" idea was just too much.
Why the hell did you invite him? He's gonna bring two more inches of dick and zero fun.
I am playing a little game I like to call "How Quickly Can I Infuse This Vodka Into My Bloodstream Without the Use of an IV"
That sounds promising. I'm twerking to human nature.
She used my 100 Ways To Cope With Stress handout to wipe puke off her face
I was struggling morally, but once I let go, I came pretty hard.
Im going to the gym...covered in the Brazilians cum
And how is that different than any other weeknight in your world
Where am I? And why the fuck did you leave me here?
Relax. I left you somewhere safe plus you have all my weed so you know I will come back for you.
Randomize
