I found your dream girl. She looked 11 but drove and on her key chain it said "if i am not wasted the day is"
Ah why did you tell everyone you dragged your sac across my face!
I woke up around 30 bottles of beer, with a piece of aluminum foil in my hand, that had "you Win" Wrote in sharpie..
If you bang a chick other than your girlfriend while playing tiger woods on xbox I wonder if an accomplishment would come up...
Just woke up in a hotel next to a 38 year old mom who's married... I think Spring Break has started
Improvement. She went from pretending she was the soccer ball in the world cup games and it hurt when they kicked her to passed out on the floor.
If I ever write a book, i'm calling it "why do i work with fucktards?"
It'll be a good sequel to my other book, "why do i sleep with fucktards?"
Chick last night said she only gets off if she rubs her childhood blanket her parents gave her during sex
Some guy offered you 100 bucks last night to suck your toes. I had to drag you away while you were yelling at me, "Stop money cock blocking me!"
That's just where I'm at in my life.
I feel like shit, and I can't get the band aids off my nipples.
I want to wait until after I get laid before I ask him his political affiliation. Just in case. I'm so desperate I would bang a Republican
We broke my graduation cords last night when we used them to tie each other up during sex last night
Remember I am not doing blow tonight. I REPEATE NO COCAINE unless I do it with your mom
I added our drug dealer to the quickbooks software babe, he is listed under vendor's as an expense category... money management is such a bitch...
I’ll call you later. There’s a jilted trophy wife looking for a revenge fuck at my door
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