I can't breathe out the right side of my face
I'm buying a pregnancy test with my lunch money. Classy.
i love insurance, just had an iv with 4 bags of fluid, 2 shots of finagrin and a 2 hour nap . woke up without a hangover. all for $20
Kinda felt bad though cuz she whimpered and shuttered a lot, i felt like i was kicking a puppy, only the puppy liked it and came a bunch
Someone wrote Kyle's bitch on me too. I dont even know who Kyle is.
Just found a picture of a hobo making out with her tits...a HOBO
I woke up on your bathroom floor, i used your towel I found laying on the floor as a cape to get to your bed. I thought it would help me walk straight if I looked like a superhero
There is a video on my phone of me suckling a bag of wine from your crotch area while you say "The Body of Christ" in a Michigan accent. I vaguely remember being offended by this yet I did it anyway.
You drunkenly said something along the lines of "move forever" to the lady standing in your way. Needless to say you had too many mimosas at breakfast.
somehow a ride to walgreens turned into a threesome.
Dude. I need you to practice dancing around in your banana hamock. Party boy style. I'll call later with details.
I almost rear ended this hot guy driving a Porsche Cayenne just so I could get his phone number
can we not speak foreign languages when I'm on drugs
You need a new phone. When you talk it sounds like the teacher from Peanuts while she's trying to give a blowjob.
Best night if my life? Time I got eaten out in the backseat of a M5 while eating White Castle. Then he fucked me. Perfect
Randomize
